I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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