yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
