She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just gargled with NyQuil
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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