You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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