I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
