I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
