he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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