Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
