Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
No subtext here. People are naked.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.