mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
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Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
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Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after