the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
