there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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