I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I didn't notice because vodka
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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