He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
