That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
