How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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