If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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