I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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