Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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