I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
