Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
