Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
