i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
