I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
