Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
