bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
