Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
