someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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