You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
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What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
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When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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