i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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