foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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