I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
