he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
