You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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