I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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