Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
