Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
