"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
