Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
