Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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