i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
