You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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