I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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