so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
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She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
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You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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