I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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