She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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