Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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