she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
