how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
