i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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