dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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