Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
