I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
...so i touched it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
