I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
